As I’m writing this, I’m having a stress-induced rosacea flareup because of all the logistics I’m sorting for my upcoming trip to the States. If my social media gave you the impression that I’m an easy breezy traveler, my skin right now would certainly tell you otherwise. The thing about living 8,492 miles (I looked it up) away from home and having a Spanish salary is that you don’t really make it home too often. In fact, I have only gone back to the States twice in the almost four years I’ve lived abroad. Once was only six months after moving, and once was last year for Christmas. Both times the reverse culture shock was strong.
So, here I am, fully admitting it: America makes me nervous. Yep, the very idea of the place I was born and raised is stressing me the hell out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really excited for this trip! I’m going to eat an ungodly amount of bagels in NYC, celebrate a friend’s wedding in Texas, and hang out with my bestie in San Francisco. But weirdly, I’m nervous. So, buckle up…here’s a rapid fire of all the things I’m feeling a little wobbly about:
Tipping. Genuinely, I’m scared. What’s a normal amount to tip? 15, 20, 30%? Am I going to get judged by people behind me in line if I choose the wrong one? Will I insult people? Will I go broke from a single coffee? None of these questions are rhetorical. Please educate me.
My English has gotten super weird. Yes, writing is my job. Point taken. All my friends who have come to visit me here have uttered some version of “ummm....you good?” to me at one point or another, simply because my brain can’t think of words as quickly or accurately anymore. I’d be okay with it if I felt like my Spanish was improving at the same rate my English is deteriorating, but it’s simply not. I really can’t wait to feel the embarrassment deep in my bones when I inevitably accidentally say “ay, perdón!” instead of “ope, excuse me!” to someone I accidentally bump into.
Cars. Anyone who knows me well knows I have deep anxiety around driving. Even being in cars as a passenger can be quite a lot for me. I chalk it up to a couple bad wrecks I’ve been in along with general control freak tendencies, but if I could never step inside a car again for the rest of my life, I’d be so happy. Unfortunately, I’ll be in Texas. Cars are a religion. Pray for me.
Card machines. Last time I was in the States, a waiter asked to take my card at the end of the meal and I full on short circuited. I forgot they did this. This reaction might be easier to pull off if I could pretend I’m foreign, but I’m clearly American, so I just seem dumb and confused. There are just so many little America-isms I have completely forgotten about, so experiencing them in a way that feels like the first time feels oddly vulnerable when you’re literally in your home country.
Small talk. I don’t know the right balance to strike here. Caveat: this might come off a little self important, okay? I feel really uncomfortable explaining my life sometimes! People will say “how’s Spain?”, and I just want to be like “ummm, I don’t know, how’s Atlanta?” It’s just a weird question to answer, even though it’s earnest and well meaning. The same goes for when I talk about details of my life. I can tell a story about the time my friends and I went to a club in Morocco, and when it lands on the wrong ears or in the wrong context, it can sound a lot like that study abroad student who just won’t shut up about their semester at sea. Accurately representing myself just takes a lot more work than it used to, I think.
*okay this one is controversial* Gaining weight. I said it. This is painfully honest, but going to the States really triggers a lot of body issues for me. When I’m there, I fully indulge in all the things I can’t get in Spain. That looks like breakfast tacos, donuts, and my Mom’s chicken pot pie. Also, I walk everywhere in my day-to-day life, and that goes out the window in the States, so I end up being far less active. Then, I’ll see a picture of myself looking extra puffy, and the spiral begins. I’m trying to be more gracious with myself in this area, especially when it comes to self talk. Life ebbs and flows, so my body should be allowed to, as well. I’m a work in progress!
Polarization. One thing that really troubles me when I think about someday maybe moving back to the States is how literally everything is a hot-button topic. It’s so black and white. Often, it feels like if you have differing views to someone, then respect for their humanity goes out the window. My experience in Europe has been very different. I don’t know if this is because I’m still somewhat of an outsider of the culture—maybe my native friends would have a different experience—but it seems like here, you can have fundamental differences with someone and still thoroughly enjoy a beer with them after work.
My own self control. Honestly, nobody should take their eyes off me if I step foot into a Trader Joe’s. I’m bringing one suitcase. Just one, Sawyer, calm down! Everything is sooo accessible in the States, and it’s both a blessing and a curse. I foresee a lot of vintage shopping damage to be done in NYC, and I’ll probably try to stock up on tortillas from my favorite grocery store in Texas too. You think I’d learn my lesson about overweight baggage fees by now, but I am who I am.
Okay, that was therapeutic. I need to start packing ASAP. I’m going to do a followup issue about the things I love while I’m in the States, so don’t go anywhere!
Anyway, I hope this newsletter was okay! No worries if not! Talk soon! Bye!
I totally get you, I'm moving back to Mexico (border girl here, too) in two months and I've been preparing myself mentally for most of these things... the driving, the speaking!!! I've become more of a pocha now switching every two words between english and spanish, for the eating i'm very excited tho, you know I want to come back to a good Starbucks chai latte hahahah I don't think they make it as sweet in Europe as in the US. Oh god and the polarized opinions, for me is more of the ignorance and racism in my hometown, they shoot some very problematic opinions in there... buuut it's going to be fine. Just remember it is temporary. Not everyone has strong opinions about the things that you do or how you have changed and if they do, you have your own reasons to be the way you are, no one needs explanations but you got your reminders.
It's gonna be a good trip! Get those extra packages of tortillas, you have to.