I went to a teeny tiny Christian high school with a graduating class of a whopping five people (all girls! slay!). This probably makes you go “WHAT?” or “hmm that checks out” depending on which facet of my personality you’re most familiar with.
The thing about schools this small is that they present some unique challenges for any sort of organized activity. For example, I played on every single sports team, even though I’m athletically…um…encumbered, let’s say. Our football team was in 6-man format, not because we preferred it that way, but because we didn’t have enough teenage boys around to fill in a standard lineup.
The arts were no exception. However, there was a fateful stretch of time that really became known as the golden age of my high school career. At least to me.
State championship? In the bag. Homecoming dance? Date lined up. But most importantly…the drama department actually existed.
I’ve always loved acting and singing. My family didn’t allow cable TV (remember cable?) growing up, so my parents’ choice for household entertainment usually revolved around old musicals from the 40s and 50s. Singin’ in the Rain, Annie Get Your Gun, and Kiss Me Kate, just to name a few. As fate would have it, all that musical watching paid off, and I was cast as the it-girl lead, Liesl von Trapp, in the beloved classic The Sound of Music (this really went to my head, by the way).
I was thrilled to live out my gazebo-dancing-in-the-rain fantasy! While my job was to flirt on stage with my secret German boyfriend, my own role is not what has stuck with me all these years later. It was the nuns.
If you haven’t ever seen The Sound of Music, I really hope you will, but in the meantime, I’ll give you a little context. It’s all about this young nun named Maria who can’t help but notice that she isn’t at all like the other nuns. She’s fiery, outspoken, and honestly, she’s a bit of a mess. The other nuns have certainly noticed her differences, and they sing a very gossipy song all about it. These are some of the lyrics that still live in my brain, all these years later:
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
…
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl!
The whole song is hilariously written, but these lyrics strike even more than a comedic chord with me. Maria sounds like she would be so fun to grab a drink with, but aside from that, these words resonate with how I tend to view my own identity.
A problem to be solved. Something I can’t quite get a hold of or define, despite my effort. Contradictory.
How can I be so many things at once?
How can two things be true at the same time?
How can I have so many versions of myself that are so different from each other, yet still authentically me?
All these questions eventually wove themselves into one sentiment: I can’t even fully understand myself, so nobody else will understand me either. I’ll save them the trouble.
Oof.
See, the weird thing is, when this becomes your mantra, loneliness becomes your choice.
For me, it even became some sort of twisted moral high ground. You know, the whole “I’m doing you a favor by concealing certain parts of myself” thing. The result? Vulnerability only when it’s convenient and plenty of content for my therapist by way of intimacy issues.
I wish I could say that this pervasive idea stayed in my freshman year of high school, along with my cheerleading uniform and Bump It™. But, it’s still something I’m actively working on.
The way I see it — everyone I love dearly has only grown more dear to me when they’ve opened up their flaws, uniqueness, and less-than-shiny parts of who they are to me. Why wouldn’t I allow the people who love me to experience the same? Don’t I deserve that, too?
So here I am WRITING A DAMN NEWSLETTER ABOUT IT! Letting you all in, bit by bit. And yeah…I’m really uncomfortable! But this is my baby step toward being a little more like Maria. Fully herself. Take it or leave it.
And no, I have no plans to become a nun at this time, thank you.
Anyway, I hope this newsletter was okay! No worries if not! Talk soon! Bye!